Banter Amongst Grapes

Grenache asked Cabernet, “why do all the other vines always pick on me so?” Cabernet responded abruptly, “quite simply, you aren’t a noble grape.” Grenache wondered what noble meant. Cabernet wasn’t exactly sure, yet always assumed it was noble because it came from Bordeaux, the best region in the world (and that sense of false bravado always made Cabernet forget about the fact that it was spawn from a one night stand between the floozy Sauvignon Blanc and its not so admirable father, Cabernet Franc). Grenache didn’t like being in oak very much, the place where all the noble kids tend to play, but felt defiant today and challenged “if you are so damn noble, then what do you need oak for?” Cabernet got a bit defensive. “Just because you can’t handle it doesn’t mean you have to knock it,” Cabernet said. Grenache replied, “Well all you taste of is oak these days. Since when were mocha, coffee, toast, graphite, vanilla and smoke your varietal character? Do you even know what you taste like without that oaky façade?” Now Cabernet was getting angry. “Listen you overly alcoholic runt, I last longer, have more muscle, better structure and cost a hell of a lot more than you do, so you best step off before I splinter you w/ my mighty oak tannins!” Grenache scoffed at Cabernet’s antagonism, growing in confidence as the verbal sparing continued. “Well I happen to be the world’s most influential wine critic’s favorite drink and I don’t need any make-up to look good. Last I checked wine drinkers no longer have the patience for you to come around while I am delicious right out of the gates.”

Cabernet, once austere and rigid, was aghast that it was challenged by something so low on the vinifera food chain….but had to admit that there was something kinky about the way Grenache argued. “Well you certainly are a cocky little one. Although I’m somewhat repulsed by your inadequacies, you are growing on me…like a fungus. Care to step out for a drink?” “Gladly,” said Grenache. “How ‘bout a Chateauneuf?”